The Summer I Didn't Want

This is a look back.

Back in October, I started to struggle with the thought that maybe God wasn't calling me back to camp this summer. I wanted to go. I wanted to serve at the place that had become my second home, and in the past my desire to be there had been accompanied by this peace that God wanted me there. My longing was stronger than ever this fall, but there was no peace. After a lot of prayer and talking with mentors, I decided that I would not return to camp for the summer of 2017. I had spent every summer on that little island since I was fifteen and at least part of my summer there every year since I was eight years old.

Over the next few months, I applied for jobs and internships at various museums in Philly and was turned down for every one. I also turned down a job in Kentucky because I just knew I needed to be home, even though I didn't have a tangible reason.

Then my mom got cancer.

All of a sudden, being home made sense, but it sucked.

Despite seeing how God had guided me home to be there for my mom, dad, and six younger siblings; not being at camp didn't get easier. The camp director asked me to come back. I ran into a number of campers who asked if I was coming back, some had even requested me to be their counselor. I felt like I was abandoning them. My now fiancé's summer plans changed and he decided to go back to camp. So I was going to be away from camp and away from him. I was able to spend a week there, prepping all the gluten free meals and desserts for the summer, but it was extremely difficult being at camp knowing that I wasn't staying.

While I was there, I got to know the staff. And man, God brought some amazing people to the island this summer. Some peace came, knowing that there were some great people going to take care of my kids that were coming back. But I still cried on the drive home.

This summer, I've realized a lot of things. Like that I didn't know how to be a big sister during the summer. I've never spent the summer with my family since the adoption. I really don't know how to be there for my mom. I don't know what's helpful. I can't take her pain away, and I can't remove the cancer, and I can't keep the chemo from hurting her. I realized that taking a summer class was an awful, yet necessary idea. I realized that being away from my fiancé is rough.

But I do know this: God is bigger than all this chaos spinning around in my head. It's so easy to get distracted from being in awe of the God who has carried me through a lot of crud before. It is my prayer that he continues to blow my mind in the midst of all of this.

//Alyson Jennie